I Forgot how to Forgive

"God, how do I know I forgive?" He didn't answer that. Instead, He helped me understand why.

How to Forgive

My prayer this morning was fairly simple: God please show me how to truly forgive like you do so I can receive your forgiveness as well. 

Shortly after when I was brushing my teeth, I thought of an old friend that I hadn’t known for a few years, but had been thinking about here and there recently. 

“God, is this who you want me to forgive? I forgave her though. She came over and apologized and I told her I forgave her.” 

Then I went on my day because life demanded other thoughts. 

For a few years now, I’ve decided to take a “reverse” social media break. I understand how doom-scrolling affects my mental health, way of life, and connection with Christ. So I told God that I will only get on social media if I was actually creating content that honored Him because I want the works of my hands to be pleasing. 

But today, I scrolled. (sorry God… and thank you?)

I got 5 videos in and a reel created by the old friend I thought about this morning popped up. 

I physically felt my heart's reaction. It was moved. 

It went a little faster, I felt my body rush, I could feel the pounds. 

Then I heard the voices...

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Of my emotions, people, I’m not crazy hahah. 

I’m using voices and emotions interchangeably here because emotions speak to your heart. 

And what I just heard bothered my spirit.

The voice was criticizing. Accusing. Judgemental.

Then it reminded me of how she hurt me. 

I literally caught myself shaking my head thinking, “How could she?” 

There it was. My unforgiveness. Hiding in what was forgotten. 

We’re supposed to forgive and forget. 

But I just forgot. 

Maybe because my words said I did? That day she asked for forgiveness. 

So why didn’t I? 

At the time, I couldn’t have told you, so I took it to prayer. 

“

God - forgive me for my unforgiveness. I’m sorry I never asked for it. 

All this time, have you forgiven me and I didn’t even know? 

How does it feel to forgive like that? Can you show me how to forgive like you? 

Next time my emotions speak to me, tell me what to say back. 

I’ll respond with your word because it is true. 

And when you give your word, you keep it. 

Nothing can take that away from me. I’ll keep it too. 

I have your forgiveness, that’s why I can give it. 

No situation can force me to keep what was freely given. 

That’s where I need your help, God. I’m only human. 

Sometimes holding on to forgiveness is not hard. 

I got used to carrying the weight and I forgot. 

I’ve been dragging it along while trying to follow your lead. 

I didn’t realize your right hand was the one sustaining me. 

God - thank you so much for your mercy. 

Next time when unforgiveness speaks, I’ll let love and compassion talk. 

Give my spirit the same strength that carried your cross. 

God, search my heart and you’ll find a desire to keep my eyes on you. 

I don’t need to worry about what I do, because the works of my hands are blessed by you. 

I don’t need to worry about where I go because my steps are ordered by you, Lord. 

My body is in this world, but my life is yours. 

I’ll call on you when I start to look down. 

You answer as a reminder to look up to where my help comes from. 

If I trust you to lead my soul to the truth, 

then I can trust you enough to forgive like you do. 

I can feel my spirit rest. 

Thank you for the freedom in forgiveness. 

“

Ok so this isn’t exactly how I said it word for word, but when I start writing it down, that’s just how it comes out. But I promise that’s exactly what I prayed for and the understanding I came to. 

Because what does forgiveness actually feel like so you know that you’ve truly forgiven? 

The last thing I want is for God to find unforgiveness in my heart when I thought I did, but was still secretly holding a grudge 😬. 

God told me it was because I only silenced the voices of unforgiveness by ignoring them. In my ignorance, I never told them to leave. They were still there, waiting for another chance to speak. And when it did, I’d agree. Because deep down, there was still forgotten hurt inside of me. 

Unforgiveness is an unhealed wound that denies its own healing. 

And it doesn’t stop there. It’s an open door that permits the enemy to speak to your heart through other emotions like anger, resentment, and bitterness. Ephesians 4:31-32 says,

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.” 

I cried and asked God to forgive me for my unforgiveness. A cry to the Spirit for the relief of revealing it. 

Now my mind can make peace with the past. Now I know what to do next time I’m hurt. 

Take it to God and forgive, for I have received my own forgiveness. 

I thanked God for showing me how to forgive by revealing why we forgive. Exactly why He endured the cross. For our freedom. If I can’t forgive others, then why should God forgive me? 

"For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." [Matthew 6:14-15] 

God, knowing how far and how long I’ve gone holding onto unforgiveness, I thank you for still showing me your compassion and unfailing love that offers forgiveness. I accept it and I forgive anyone or any situation that has caused me not to forgive. I pray that they find it in their hearts to forgive me as well. Thank you for revealing what was in mine and restoring it back to your righteousness. Going forward, please help me to always recognize the voices of unforgiveness so I can use your words to cut through its lies. Even when it hurts, please help me not to bury my emotions inside. Thank you for allowing me to lay it at your feet so my spirit can rest and be healed. Continue to refresh and restore me so that I can continue to be used by you. In Jesus name, amen.

-CIN